England presumes

I missed the first match, which is never a good start.

Work held onto me until not long before the Poland v Ecuador game and I arrived home to find FIFA implementing some sort of new tournament structure, with Clive Tyldesley running through the likely opponents for “England’s quarter-final”.

Must have got a bye. Continental Europe at war with South America, presumably.

Seriously, though, I’ve said enough elsewhere about the complicated ins and outs of Scots supporting England, or not, as the case may be (and people often overlook the sizeable number north of the border who support England over Scotland for ugly reasons relating to another country altogether) but I suspect, for the Braveheart brigade, this sort of thing might just be something to do with it.

I watched the Poles live and caught up with a recording of the first game later and – leaving aside my enjoyment of the Germans attacking with unexpected gay abandon – it was clear both games were large, elaborately-carved, flip-top steins full of good news for Sven’s men.

If you thought the German defence was rotten – and making your centre-halves wear the one pair of shorts is very bad indeed, if you ask me – the Polish central pairing were fascinatingly, spectacularly poor .

Not content with following the Germans’ lead by playing conjoined twins at the heart of their defence, Poland’s medical marvels have picked up a curious habit of attempting to play offside in their own six-yard box – and, furthermore, appear to be labouring under the misconception that they are not allowed to jump when the ball is sailing an inch over their heads.

It was a miserable, maddening performance for those of us with a soft spot for the Poles, with Zurawski – a striker with movement and a change of pace capable of troubling most defences – continually forced wide and deep to collect, only to find his midfield colleagues resolutely unwilling to leave their posts.

In both defences, the failings seem so fundamental I seriously doubt they can be overcome within what remains a very short tournament.

Of course, it is very far from certain Poland will now qualify – but consider Costa Rica’s own defensive frailties and an Ecuadorian team that, regardless of last night’s win, remains deeply ordinary and you begin to see how good things are looking for England before they even kick a ball.

If I was Joe Cole – which, luckily for England and Mrs Cole, I'm not – I’d dream of defences like those. If I was Peter Crouch, I’d still dream of a shirt that fits me, but you get the idea.

I still don’t believe England will win the cup – although a change of coach, and not to Steve McLaren, 18 months ago might have changed my opinion – but maybe they’re closer to that bye into the quarters than I thought.