Substitute you ... for my mum

A strange game – and not one that tells us much we didn’t know already, I suspect.

For all they came into the game in the second half, I wouldn’t rate Paraguay as anything more than competent - and England’s inability to kill them off after a fairly fortuitous start will be a worry to their fans.

A greater worry will be the coach’s mysterious substitutions which, again, look set to be the squad’s mile-wide achilles arse.

Anyway, leaving aside the fact that the welcome return of the giant pitch spider was the most exciting thing to happen during the ninety minutes, here’s how I’d sum it up for the England camp.

Plus: Joe Cole is bloody brilliant.
Minus: He’ll need to be if Ashley Cole keeps playing like a complete fanny behind him.

Plus: Crouch’s work-rate was tremendous.
Minus: That doesn’t really matter when your boss leaves you standing like a fanny in the middle of nowhere.

Plus: Gerrard looked very influential in the first half, if unfit.
Minus: No matter how many excuses you make for him, I can’t begin to imagine how stupid this man must be to still not have worked out that foreign refs won’t stand for you lunging in with both feet. Like a fanny.